


Flock Together

by Vroom



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Coming Out, Fluff, Friends to Lovers, Friendship, Internalized Homophobia, M/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-03-02
Updated: 2018-03-02
Packaged: 2019-03-26 04:51:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,850
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13850466
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Vroom/pseuds/Vroom
Summary: A much longer-than-expected exploration of Oikawa and Hajime's friendship, and how they both deal with certain trials they face during their senior year at  Aobajosai





	Flock Together

Tooru couldn’t remember when he first, exactly, fell in love. It came in waves, hitting him stronger every few years, a reminder, _‘you love him, so much’_ . The thought would be suffocating, catching Tooru in ceaseless currents, trapping him under the water, alone but somehow warm.

Tooru had known Iwa-chan since the beginning, ‘Since Forever,’ they both would say if anyone asked. Even if anyone didn’t, they loved reminding themselves and everyone that no one knew Hajime like Tooru did, no one knew Tooru like Hajime did. Tooru could read Hajime’s mind, Hajime could predict every one of Tooru’s movements.

Tooru would regret the assumption he made so early on that Hajime would be like him. He would regret _knowing_ Hajime was like him.

Because when Hajime got his first girlfriend in Junior High, neither of them knew what to do. Tooru didn’t know if this was part of the plan, if that’s what you’re supposed to do when you love someone. You’re supposed to date a girl you don’t know and ask if she wants to join you and the person you love on hikes and video game nights. Tooru assumed Iwa-chan knew what he was doing, so he let it go.

Hajime didn’t know how you include a new best friend into your life, especially one you’re apparently supposed to treat extra special. He didn’t know if they could kiss around other people, or alone, or what movies they were supposed to go to. He didn’t know why Tooru hated having her join them on hikes and to video game nights, and he especially didn’t know why Tooru wouldn’t just say that he hated her. Hajime didn’t like the work it involved, so he broke up with his first girlfriend early morning at school after four weeks of dating.

Tooru assumed when you love your best friend, you don’t _marry_ him, you marry a girl, and somehow it all works out. So when Tooru got his first girlfriend as a First year, he spent the same amount of time on volleyball and with Iwa-chan as he always had. And when his first girlfriend broke up with him at a cafe three months later, Tooru thought that was how it worked. No one marries their first girlfriend anyway, that’s just not what happens.

When his third girlfriend broke up with him after fighting on the phone for 57 minutes, Tooru finally knew, because she told him, that he was doing something wrong. You don’t spend more time on sports and bromances than your girlfriend, she said, you don’t. But by second year Tooru couldn’t be bothered to change his fixed schedule, he had a team to train with, and a best friend. He didn’t need a girlfriend.

Hajime couldn’t understand why someone with such a thirst for attention couldn’t keep a girlfriend. He _especially_ couldn’t understand why someone as picky as Oikawa was always the dumpee, not the dumper. Maybe Oikawa just didn’t care, maybe he needed to mature, maybe he really didn’t get girls. Hajime couldn’t understand, but he never asked.

Despite the obvious plan to tell his best friend he was in love with him, eventually, Tooru had ingrained in himself through the years to keep his crush hidden. You don’t tell another guy you’re in love with him, unless you’re some pervert Yaoi-manga character. And Tooru wasn’t that. He just thought it would all work out.

 

It was in the middle of his second year, a month after his third girlfriend broke up with him, when Tooru realized his feelings for Hajime weren’t actually reciprocated, or even recognized. He hated how much sense it made; Boys weren’t supposed to be in love with other boys, Tooru would never tell his best friend how he felt, and all his girlfriend troubles were not, actually, normal. Being so focused on volleyball, and other boys, and Iwa-chan, and not girls, had finally caught up with Tooru, and he felt sick. He told no one—he was great at doing that—and for a week pretended like he had never noticed his attraction.

Tooru knows exactly what rejection feels like—he’s been dumped by every girl he’s ever dated. He knows when it’s coming, he knows what they say to soften the blow (because they always try) and he knows the look on their faces, like they’re turning down a free slice of cake because they remember how many calories it is. Tooru is bad for them—sure he’s cute, and charming, but he doesn’t give anything in the end. He just takes their time, energy, and patience. Tooru knows how it feels to be rejected by someone he doesn’t care too much about, and is terrified every time.

He’s terrified someone will know why—maybe his girlfriends all know already. Maybe someone will spread a rumor: Oikawa Tooru can’t hold down a girl because he’d rather be held down by a dude. Tooru is terrified each rejection has just increased the chances of someone finding out.

He’s terrified Iwaizumi will reject him. Tooru’s imagined it hundreds of times in the safe hours at night, how he would tell Hajime if he could, how he would kiss Hajime if he was allowed. He knows the surprised look Hajime would give him, before enthusiastically agreeing to be boyfriends. Tooru knows exactly what he would say to win Hajime’s affections, and exactly how Hajime would say ‘yes.’  
He also knows exactly, in every possible way, how Hajime will say ‘no’.

On good days, Hajime would simply sigh, admit, ‘I don’t feel that way about you, Oikawa' and move on. On lesser days he would be awkward, distant, and eventually ask Tooru not to change next to him anymore before they take their post-practice showers.

On bad days Hajime is entirely honest, outlining in detail how shallow and disgusting Oikawa is for telling him how he feels. He frowns, looks betrayed, and asks Tooru how he could be so selfish and perverted, to let Hajime get so close when Oikawa’s feelings were so indecent. He tells Tooru’s parents, and Tooru doesn’t think about what would happen after that. He knows Hajime will never return his feelings, he’s done the research. He knows only 1 in every five or ten or twenty men is gay, and the statistics don’t work out in Tooru's favor. Tooru knows, even in his wildest dreams, if Hajime was attracted to men, he would never settle for Tooru. Who would ruin a friendship by dating their best friend? You never date your best friend, you just don’t. That’s why they’re your _friend_.

 

Hajime doesn’t understand why Oikawa lies so much, especially when it comes to his relationships. Hajime hates how often Shittikawa tries to lie, and hide everything that bothers him. As best friends, they’re supposed to depend on each other, why does Hajime always feel like Oikawa keeps himself hidden, like he doesn’t trust anyone? Hajime worries he’s a bad friend, maybe he harasses his captain too much. Maybe Oikawa knows his ace will eventually fail him, and won’t bring him to the top like Shiratorizawa could.

Hajime spends a lot of time hating himself for how much he brings Oikawa down, and how they never seem to line up in sync anymore. Oikawa lies when Hajime begs to depend on him, trust him, give him _anything_ , and then fails when Oikawa desperately needs him to succeed.  
Hajime spends a lot of time hating Oikawa for how selfish he can be, breaking girls hearts, not spending enough time with his girlfriends, shitting on underclassmen like poor Kageyama Tobio. Hajime hates how they let each other down, but can’t bear to be apart. Hajime wonders if this is how healthy friendship is supposed to be—pulling while the other resists, pushing away while the other clings tighter. Hajime wonders if it’s simply because they’ve know each other forever.

 

It’s their third year, and Hajime almost loses it. Oikawa’s been recruited by every university in Japan with the best volleyball programs, could possibly play on the Olympic team, and Hajime is stuck in Miyagi with only a few university scholarships. Oikawa’s been working excessively in preparation of the possible matches against Karasuno and Shiratorizawa at the spring tournament, and Hajime begins to lose his cool.

“Why won’t you ask me for help?” He always ends up demanding. Because it’s true, Oikawa never asks for help, and look where that got him. Oikawa will, at this point in the argument, usually brush a hand against his right knee absentmindedly, and Hajime hates how after everything they’ve been through, they still can’t trust each other.

“Just depend on me, for once, to do the right thing.” Hajime pleads. He always ends up begging, but it sounds angry every time. He’ll hit Oikawa on the head, remind his stupid captain of the talent that surrounds him and supports him, and desperately try to convince himself Oikawa needs him just as much as he needs Oikawa.

This is the fight where things are different. They’re both loitering around after practice, a similar setting for most arguments between them. But Oikawa for once remains clouded, still hides something. He doesn’t bother to assure his ace he will depend more on his teammates, in fact he looks ready to bolt at any time. Hajime sees this, and screams at his stupid best friend. He feels bad because he’s the only one yelling, and for once it doesn’t seem to work. There’s something else getting in the way, and Hajime doesn’t know what it is, or which buttons to push to get Oikawa to finally spill. Hajime is more frustrated than ever, because once again he feels he doesn’t know his best friend. He’s learned at times like this, honesty is key.

“I’m losing you, dude” He admits, vaguely. He steps closer and softens his eyes, hoping Oikawa will take advantage of this rare vulnerability and fess up. He hopes Oikawa will tell him what’s actually wrong and they can both walk home together.  
Instead, Oikawa looks lost, unsure what to do with this confession.  
Oikawa opens and closes his mouth three times, before speaking.  
“Are you tired of this? Do you—“ His captain doesn’t say anything else. They’re alone in the gym with no one to interrupt them, but Oikawa stills mid-sentence. Hajime isn’t sure where this is going.

“I’m tired of watching you hurt yourself all the time. Don’t you understand how that makes the team feel?” He’s sure to say ‘team’ instead of ‘me’. He doesn’t want to tread on rocky territory. Personal, emotional conversations were never either of their strong suits. “I’m tired of reminding you over and over how much support you have, I wish you would just—just stop being such a dense idiot and depend on your friends once in a while. We’re trying to help you, but you’re just pushing us all away. That’s a shitty thing for a captain to do during tournament season.”

Oikawa is finally looking at him, finally responding to the calm explanation Hajime is blessing him with in the quiet of an empty court, like this is more effective than screaming in each other’s faces for fifteen minutes.

“I hate when you lie to us.”  
It’s the conclusion he hadn’t meant to use, but it has the desired effect. Oikawa breaks down, exhausted, and dramatically flops onto the floor, arms around his knees.

“You think I’m dense?” Hajime hadn’t expected the quiet response. He sits down across from his captain, meeting his level.  
“You’ve proven that more than once. It shouldn’t be news.”  
Oikawa presses his lips together, uncharacteristically pensive. Hajime wonders what’s going on inside that stupid head, how he’s going to afford the make-up milk bread Oikawa will eventually insist he buy when this is all over.  
They’re both quiet. Hajime scoots closer so their toes almost touch, knowing the childish action will eventually win Oikawa over. Oikawa was always so nostalgic for their closer relationship back in grade school. Hajime never wondered why.

“There’s something obvious I’m not seeing?”  
“I’m literally telling it to you, you need to trust me more.” Hajime really hadn’t meant to say ‘me’ this time, but the intimate atmosphere pulled it out of him.

“I’m scared to trust you. About certain things.” Oikawa is looking right through him, it’s unnerving.  
“We’re best friends, all I’m asking is for you to lean on me so you don’t kill yourself overthinking things. Your brain will explode if you keep it all to yourself.” Hajime attempts to steer the conversation to a lighter mood, he hates how dramatic Oikawa can be. It stresses him out.  
He waits for Oikawa to respond. He certainly looks like he’s going to respond. He’s playing with his hands now, a comforting sign that he’s preparing a thought. But he never articulates it, all Hajime gets is a fake, exasperated sigh, a rounding push into a standing position, and the most non-comital ‘Okay’ Hajime’s sure Oikawa could ever get away with.

Oikawa helps Hajime stand, pulling his hand away more aggressively than necessary.  _He’s still mad,_ Hajime notes. He wants to be able to talk to Oikawa, but not when he’s throwing a fit. This will have to wait.

They lock up the gym, and walk home in their sweats and workout shirts. The mood has barely lifted, and Oikawa looks tired.

“Tell me a secret.” In the dark, it’s a much more invasive question. Hajime wonders why Oikawa waited so long on their walk home to ask.  
“You know everything about me, I don’t have any secrets.”  
“Everything? Even something embarrassing? I know everything?”  
Hajime is afraid he’s done something wrong, because Oikawa isn’t teasing. He’s serious. And Hajime knows there must be a right answer.

“I caught Kindaichi drooling over a photo of you once before practice.” he recalls, laughing at the memory.  
“What?”  
“It looked like a staged picture, so he must have gotten it online, which is even funnier.” Hajime notices Oikawa has slowed slightly, looking at his face with no hint of laughter. He doesn’t seem to find the secret that funny.  
“I mean, it’s pretty cliché. He’s an underclassman obsessed with his senpai, don’t you find that a little funny?”  
Oikawa clearly doesn’t find it funny, and Hajime worries he may have just put a bounty on his poor teammate’s head. Usually Oikawa adores his fans, strangers or not. But Hajime worries something is off.  
“Why don’t you have a photo of me, if you think it’s so funny?” Oikawa pouts, but it’s forced. Like usual. Hajime laughs at the immature display.  
“A photo? I see you all the time, I don’t need any more reminders of you as a huge pain in my side. Besides, that’s something you give your girlfriend, if at all. I’m sure Kindaichi snagged it from one of your exes.”  
If Hajime had any chance of saving himself before, he was _definitely_ screwed now. Oikawa stopped dead in his tracks, his eyes pinched in an unusual way. Hajime all-too-late remembered he was stepping around land mines when it came to a cranky Oikawa Tooru, and was just waiting for the explosion.  
“I never gave any of my girlfriends photos.” Oikawa said, defensively. His fists were clenching and unclenching. Hajime just looked at him.  
“You’re right, I don’t know where he got the picture. I’m sorry I mention—“  
“I don’t want a guy to have my picture.”  
Oikawa sounded angry, but Hajime recognized fear. Fear of what? Being stalked by a harmless first year? Didn’t Oikawa usually love any and all forms of attention?  
And why had he specified ‘guy’?  
Was he afraid someone would get the wrong idea?

Suddenly Hajime faced his captain all the way and stared at him. He could read Oikawa like a book most of the time, he could predict every one of his friend’s movements, on and off the court. Hajime knew then exactly what Oikawa was afraid of.

_Someone might get the right idea._

The thought was there and then it was gone, bouncing around Hajime’s head like one of those paradox puzzles Matzukawa would sneak him during morning homeroom to remind him he’s just a stupid jock who can’t use his head. It’s impossible, and not true, but Hajime has to know.

But not here in the middle of the street. Once again, Hajime puts it to the side in favor of not knowing the answer. He tells himself it’s because someone will hear them shouting so late in the open, but it’s not that. It’s not that at all.

“I didn’t realize it would bother you, I’m sorry.” He tries his best to sound sympathetic, hoping to smooth over any lasting anger building in his captain’s fists, and turns to walk back home.

Oikawa follows only a step behind after pacing faster to catch up. Awkward silence weighs down every step, making it difficult to walk for either of them.

Hajime spends the entire walk under the assumption Oikawa is hiding something. He pretends he doesn’t have a clue as to what—barely entertains the idea.

Tooru walks steadily behind, wondering if that was the last thing he’ll ever get to say to Iwaizumi directly, because of course he now _knows_. Iwaizumi must hate him, but it’s worse. It’s so much worse than anything Tooru had imagined, because Iwaizumi isn’t saying anything. He won’t let Tooru in, won’t give him an answer, because Tooru hasn’t even _said_ anything. He’s only hinted at the idea. But it’s enough, and Iwaizumi knows, and they’ll never be friends ever again.

“What’s wrong Oikawa?” Hajime breaks the silence once they reach Hajime’s gate. Tooru had expected to leave him there and walk home alone, but Hajime’s hand is on the latch, waiting for an answer. Hajime almost feels guilty for asking—He can feel the intensity of his own expression, but he can’t help it. He has to know. He has to know his best friend.

“N…Nothing, I don’t want anyone having my picture.” They both sigh internally, because Oikawa is still playing some kind of game—Hajime is tired of it. He’s tired of lying.

“I just think it’s weird, there’s a reason I never gave my girlfriend one, who knows who’d end up with it—plus it’s old-fashioned! Who needs a photo?!”

Hajime’s grip tightens on the handle. “Don’t lie to me!” He isn’t mad, he isn’t. He’s desperate, he can’t waste time with Oikawa being a shitty friend. He needs Oikawa to tell him it’s because he thought he was ugly in that picture, or he really _does_ think it’s an old fashioned tradition, anything that isn’t what Hajime thinks is the answer. Because that would mean—

“I’M NOT! I’m not I’m _not_! Stop yelling at me!”  
Oikawa only shouts like this when they’re on the court, when they have something to lose, something precious. Hajime can’t bear it.  
“Stop being a coward! Put your trust in me, you idiot—That’s why I’m here! Tell me what’s really bothering you!”  
Oikawa is lost, looking around himself, at everything but Iwaizmi only a few steps away. His face is red, in his eyes and his nose and his chin. Hajime knows, but it’s impossible.  
He waits to be contradicted, but he never is.  
“I—I, I’m,” Oikawa fiddles with his hands, looking ready to bolt in any direction. Hajime regrets still confronting him out in the open, but sometimes the world works out like that and you don’t feel like yelling at your best friend in your own room so you have to do it out in the middle of an empty walkway leading to your door. Sometimes you can’t prepare for these things.

“I don’t want a girlfriend! I never did! I didn’t want any of them!” Oikawa’s voice is a harsh whisper, his hands fly to his face, pressing the palms into his eyes. He sucks in a forced breath.  
“That’s fine!” Hajime immediately hisses back. He feels like he’s talking to someone miles away, but he’s there, he’s right in front of Oikawa. He’s right there.

Oikawa doesn’t let up. His fingers flex and then form fists again, his face half covered.  
“I’m sorry,” It’s the softest he’s spoken all day. Hajime hears him still.  
“Why are you apologizing. Why?”  
“I’m ashamed, I’m a pervert. I hate it, you hate me now too—I’ve lied to you. I’m so sorry”  
“Toor—Tooru, look at me. Look at me,” Hajime still hasn’t said anything positive. He’s just standing there uncomfortably. He’s going to reject him, Tooru’s sure of it.  
“I don’t hate you, you’re not lying. Don’t feel ashamed, please. Please—if this is what you’re hiding, I can’t hate you. Please, Tooru, look at me”

“I can’t, please, let me inside, I can’t go home crying.”  
“You’re crying?” Iwaizumi tilts his head, takes a step forward.  
“Hajime, I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to—“  
Tooru feels the slow embracing presence of Hajime walking towards him with outstretched arms. He hugs Tooru like they used to hug in grade school, how they rarely do after matches. Long, and silent.

Tooru wishes Iwaizumi would say something.  
“Just tell me what you’re thinking, I can’t stand it.”  
“I don’t hate you, at all. If you don’t like girls, that’s fine. I won’t tell anyone.” His voice is soft and honest, raw and vulnerable. Tooru is caught in a wave of comfort. A ceaseless current reminding him of his perversion. He feels awful. He feels warm.  
“We’re still friends.”  
Tooru begins to quake, because that’s just it, isn’t it? They can’t be friends. Tooru’s been staring at Hajime’s chest after practices too often, it’s a gross indulgence he pretended not to take advantage of. And now Hajime will know why.  
“We _can’t_ , I don’t want to be, I wan’t—“ He hiccups.

“Tooru, you’re my best friend. It’s okay, you’re still my best friend.”

Oikawa is silent, shivers for a few more minutes. Hajime looks around to be sure no one is walking by, pats Tooru’s shoulder. They both stand there as long as the other can take it, and finally Tooru pulls away.  
“I’m sorry, Iwa-chan.” His voice is strung out. “You’re a good friend.”  
“I care about you, y’know.”  
Oikawa looks like he’s going to be sick. He probably hasn’t slept properly. Hajime wonders when he last saw Tooru eat from a bento and not a nutrient bar.  
Hands run through mussed brown hair, sweat from Tooru’s clenched palms keeping the flyaway strands in place. Tooru wonders if that was his chance to feel accepted, and he still won’t take it. He can’t stay friends with Hajime, not after graduation like they promised. Maybe not even until the tournament.  
“I don’t wanna talk about this anymore.” Hajime nodded. Neither did he.  
“I’ll see you tomorrow, Tooru.” Hajime opened the latch and walked up the steps to his front door. When he turned to see if Oikawa was okay, the street was empty. Oikawa had gone.

**Author's Note:**

> thank you sooo much for reading! this is the first major story i've ever written, and as you can probably tell has NOT been beta'd! please let me know what you think, this has been literally sitting in my writing folder for years before i had the courage to edit it and publish. its been with me during my lowest time in the closet, coming out, and the amazing life i've had after just being myself! second chapter will probably be up soon! this won't be sad i promise.


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